Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 18, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST

10:35 pm
but. >> take a look at this. >> here is is a look at our beloved cbs4 logo. we call that the cbs eye. it is suspiciously like the eye of an animal. what animal do you think it is? [ laughter ] yes. it is a little pine squirrel. >> of course. >> see, it has a little cbs eye. >> i have to stretch for that one. [ laughter ] >> big storm night slowed down a little bit. >> oh gosh thanks fo captioning sponsored by cbs >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes william h. macy colin quinn and musical guest drive-by truckers.
10:36 pm
and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! hey! >> stephen: hey! welcome to" late show." i'm stephen colbert. well, ladies and gentlemen, happy friday, we made it. safe. hope you all have fun plans for the weekend. any plans?
10:37 pm
to go home and nap. >> stephen: oh, yeah. that sounds good. my plans-- i'm going to spend the whole weekend in my closet banging on the back wall to try to find the way to narnia. if that fails, i know there's a bottle of bourbon in there. >> jon: probably so, you're right. >> stephen: narnia or bust. all week, all week, pundits and politicians have been asking themselves, "how did we get here?" ( laughter ) what is the moral g.p.s. that highway did trump win? was this the revenge of the white, working class voters? was hillary clinton complacent on the campaign trail. did we anger the volcano god? i said we should have thrown taylor swift in there. would have missed her. would have missed her. it turns out tmay be none of the
10:38 pm
a lot of people are blaming all the facebook fake news that was pro-trump and anti-hillary. in fact, more fake news was shared on facebook than real news. so where did it come from? turns out a lot of it came from facebook fake news writer and mindfreak wannabe, paul horner, who says, "i think donald trump is in the white house because of me." okay! did you hear that, future time travellers? now you know who to hunt last year. ( cheers and applause ) aaah! although, i gotta say, pretty rude of him not to give at least partial credit to james comey. credit where credit is due. horner credits himself for such influential fake news items as, "the amish in america commit their vote to donald trump, mathematically guaranteeing him a presidential victory." "obama signs executive order banning the national anthem at all sporting events nationwide,"
10:39 pm
cashing in on the legalization of gay marriage." because, you know, you think gay people you think one thing-- vans. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: and horner knows who he can thank for his success, saying: "honestly, people are definitely dumber. they just keep passing stuff around. nobody fact-checks anything anymore. i mean, that's how trump got elected." oh, i don't know about everybody, but certain people definitely don't seem smart. for instance, did you hear about the fake news writer who bragged about electing a reality show about electing trump to the country he has it to live in. of course, this isn't horner's first brush with fame. look at these headlines. "paul horner trampled by alpaca at beastiality club. nation rejoices." "dewey defeats truman and then feasts on the flesh of paul
10:40 pm
but actually, we made those up, full discloser. and i kind of wish more news was fake right now. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: yeah. i don't like some of the real headlines i'm seeing, like this one, "more than 400 incidents of hateful harassment and intimidation since the election. for instance, indiana, where an episcopal church was vandalized with a swastika and the words 'heil trump'." i cannot believe this. i mean, it's 2016. can we please wait a little 2020 campaign signs ( cheers and applause ) it's even infecting fashion, because this week a neo-nazi blogger declared new balance the "official shoes of white people." utill now, they were the unofficial shoes of white people.
10:41 pm
we will be able to recognize one another by our sportswear." finally, a way for nazis to recognize each other, because the swastika neck tattoo was a little subtle. this all started-- yay! neck tattoo. this all started after new balance supported the election of donald trump, statementing, "the obama administration turned a deaf ear to us and, frankly, with president-elect trump, we feel things are going to move in the right direction." people got so mad at new balance for supporting trump like this, they filmed themselves setting their shoes on fire. it's the most moving act of shoe-related civil disobedience since dr. martin luther scholls' "letter from a birmingham foot locker." he made up it the mountaintop very fast. he ran up the thing.
10:42 pm
now, i know our nation is divided right now, but do we have to drag footwear into it? i'm a white male of a certain age who enjoys khakis. don't take my new balance from me. ( laughter ) what else am i going to wear when i'm waiting for my wife outside the talbot's? speaking of being married. people married? people married. ( applause ) guys who wear wedding rings, if you're shopping for one, sorry you're buying a ring, be sure to read all the safety instructions, because this week doctors removed a wedding ring from a man's penis. first of all, if you can actually fit a wedding ring around your penis, congratulations on getting someone to marry you. ( laughter ) ( applause )
10:43 pm
put the bling on the thing for "erotic reasons." wekkm like beyonce said, "if you like it, you better put a ring on it." >> jon: yay! >> stephen: thank you very much. it's true. ? ? ? as for the man's treatment options, doctors said, "no proper guidelines exist for the treatment of this condition, so the best method is the one with a sce yes, hopefully he'll have a successful outcome. what he wanted was a happy ending. now, if there weren't enough troubling news already this week, it was just revealed that after 11 seasons and declining viewership "duck dynasty" is saying good-bye. ( cheers and applause ) yes. i'm sad, too. ( laughter ) turns out the guys wanted to spend more time exploring their true passion-- challenging squirrels to staring contests.
10:44 pm
plan to do next, but my money's on phil robertson being chosen the next supreme court justice. ( applause ) now, united airlines just announced they're offering a cheaper ticket option called "basic economy," not to be confused with the name of the book donald trump is frantically reading right now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yay! yay! yay, the future is a coin toss! in united's basic economy, passengers "won't be able to choose their seats, will be last to board the plane, and won't be able to carry on more than one personal item that will fit under the seat in front of them." also, you can't have legs, and all the babies on the plane will cry into tubes that go directly into your ears. ( laughter )
10:45 pm
north korea has long been ruled by supreme leader and biewr ito supreme, kim jong-un. and recently, north korean officials lodged a formal request with china to prohibit names disparaging kim jong-un, specifically, the nickname kim fatty iii" that's just mean. why are you fat shaming this guy wh human-rights shaming this guy? plus, if you're going to make fun of him-- kim's a girl's name. now, this is a serious problem for north korea, as the country's government officials are terrified about the insult and looking for somebody to blame. if he's looking to place blame on someone about his weight, may i suggest his mouth. i want to take a bold stance against cyberbullying, which is why i'm going to record an important public service
10:46 pm
( laughter ) hi, i'm stephen colbert. sticks and stones may break their bones, but words can really hurt them. hi, i'm still steve colbert. i'd like to take a moment to speak out against the epidemic of world-leader bullying. it may not seem like it, but as we speak, heads of state are being viciously mocked in every country in the world, except canada. that guy's just hot. y( cheers and applause ) you may have even buwo leaders yourself with nicknames like "anthrax q. rabbitmouth," "secret agent horse fondler," and "lady paul mccartney." ( laughter ) no matter how accurate it is, it is cruel. so the next time you think of calling kim jong-un "kim fatty iii," or "the cabbage patch dictator," or "man who ate both kidd and play," just remember-- he has feelings, too.
10:47 pm
so shut the (bleep) up. we've got a great show for you tonight. william h. macy is here. but when we return, i'm going to sit america down and give it a little fatherly advice. stick around! mom's got this cold. hashtag stuffy nose. hashtag no sleep. the right strip. it instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than cold medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right. this weekend at kohl's it's time to get ready for the holidays so deck the halls dress to impress for the school concert then hurry home to cozy up for a family movie night. at kohl's, friends and family save a little more with an extra 20% off so you can give a little more this holiday.
10:48 pm
? the itsy bitsy spider went up the waterspout. nd clogged the gutter system creating a leak in the roof. luckily the spider recently had geico help him with homeowners insurance. water completely destroyed his swedish foam mattress. he got full replacement and now owns the sleep number bed. his sleep number setting is 25. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance.
10:49 pm
hey come quick... my new beer, stella artois, is finished. the people will love it. originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since.
10:50 pm
10:51 pm
10:52 pm
? ? ? ? i miss those days, come back once more ? why did those days end ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and folks as may know-- as you folks may know in here, out there, around the world, i am a father, and i evidently though off major dad vibes, because twitter is flooded can comments like: "stephen colbert would be a great dad," and "i wish stephen
10:53 pm
none of those people, by the way, my children. even katy perry posted this snapchat with me and captioned it "my dad." i'm not surprised to find out i'm a role model to katy because i once kissed a girl. and i liked it, too. ( laughter ) that's how i ended up with kids. well, i know how important quality time with a parent can be, so i think it's time to sit down and have a little talk. that's right, america. get in here! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right. hey, kiddo. hey, kiddo. cop a squat. listen, i just thought you and meet could talk about a few things, whatever on your mind. you know i'm here for you, okay. and just in case there are questions i can't answer, i
10:54 pm
be. bill, could you come out here, please? ( cheers and applause ) >> hey, sport. how you doing? >> stephen: of, champ, listen, first off, bill and i know your body is changing, okay. i imagine you've got some questions because our bodies are changing. we've got a lot of what's that right there? is that my eyes growing gills? what the hell is happening right there? is that going to stay? >> and what is this, huh? what is that all about? >> stephen: it's where he carries his nuts in the wintertime now. hey, i don't condone it. i want to be clear, i don't cone co-know cone it, but if you're going to drink, we prefer you do it under our roof. >> and if it's under our roof i prefer a single-malt scotch, not
10:55 pm
>> stephen: listen here, champ, this is important. if someone offers you drugs, remember, just say no. because if you seem too eager, they'll charge you full price. ( laughter ) businessmen, okay. >> and, listen, it's dangerous to play with fireworks on the fourth of july. and it's just plain weird to do it on thanksgiving. >> don't you roll your eyes at me, mister! we're talking to you. no fireworks this year. you weren't the one who had to scrape the stuffing off your grandmother last year. >> tha your grandmother used to say. >> stephen: this is great. >> when life gives you sweet potatoes, where's jimmy? she had started to lose her mind by that time, but we know what she meant-- stay positive. and find jimmy. >> stephen: obviously. >> we think she was a soldier she dated during the war. >> we don't know. yeah. listen up here. when your mother and i tell you to be home at 9 p.m. on sundays, we mean 9:00 p.m. >> that's right. >> stephen: okay? who else is going to explain
10:56 pm
are they all robots? you better not tell me they're all going to wind up being robots. >> stephen: they're robots. >> don't tell me that. >> stephen: oh, i'm sorry. ( laughter ) oh, and by the way, you are in hot water, chief. the lab results came back report from vet, and it turns out the neighbor's cat did not shave itself. ( laughter ) >> and, also, i found this nudie magazine under your bed. i'm not angry. i'm just right? ( laughter ) >> stephen: what's the deal? i don't understand. i don't understand what's happening. did you forget the wifi password. it's 123porn, okay? ( laughter ) so i don't know. i guess it's time we finally had the talk, okay, and you learned where babies come from. bill, you're the expert. >> well, in your case, your mother and i got pretty far into our second bottle of savignon
10:57 pm
and let's just we kicked up some pretty big waves. ( laughter ) i'm saying we tested the buoyancy... your mom and i had sex. ( laughter ). >> stephen: listen, sport, if you take one thing away from this family meeting, always have self-respect. if your friend is saying mean things about you, he may thought really be your friend. he might really be your next >> and remember, no matter what, i'm proud of you. >> stephen: yeah, no matter what, he's proud of you. >> stephen: good talk, kiddieo. >> it was a great talk. >> stephen:we'll be right back with william h. macy! ? ? ? ( applause )
10:58 pm
? ? you're ready. ? ? get ready to experience a cup above. is that coffee? nespresso. what else? look how big my hands are. yeah. ooh. rawr. how much am i making for this again? hundred k. win or lose. total cake walk. her last opponent is still in a coma. what? i should go walk my cats. no. no no no. amy, get in there and fight for your life. isn't there an easier way to make a hundred k? sure. old navy's giving away a hundred k everyday through black friday. plus right now it's 40% off your entire purchase. 40% off!?! you keep in touch with me, girl. i'm going to old navy. ahh! it's 40% off your entire purchase right now. only at old navy! and at progressive, we let you compare our progressive direct rate... great deals for reals! ...and our competitors' rates side-by-side,
10:59 pm
saving the moolah. [ chuckles ] as you can see, sometimes progressive isn't the lowest. not always the lowest! jamie. what are you doing? -i'm being your hype man. not right now. you said i was gonna be the hype man. no, we said we wouldn't do it. i'm sorry, we were talking about savings. i liked his way. cha-ching! talking about getting that moneeeey! talking about getting that moneeeey! savings worth the hype.
11:00 pm
? ? ?
11:01 pm
,, ? i'm waaaiting... ? ? don't wait to bring a little kiss of blue bunny to your holiday favorites.
11:02 pm
? ? ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. ( cheers and applause ) my first guest this friday in "fargo," "boogie nights," and now in season seven of "shameless" on showtime. please welcome william h macy! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> that's great. >> stephen: pretty great, right? >> i'm a big steely dan fan. >> stephen: do you play an instrument. >> youk leia. >> stephen: you seem like a renaissance guy.
11:03 pm
>> youk lay lay what's funny about that, because it's small and only has four strings you're going to laugh about it. >> stephen: no, this is a celebration. >> people who play ukuleles are slightly more evolved than everyone else. that was fun. >> stephen: you just helped me out with the family meeting. do you call a family meeting in your family? >> we co. we try to have dinner every night, and that's where we make the kids miserable. it's better if y a little bit. >> stephen: do you have rules at table like no whist ling, no books, no electronics or anything like that. >> no electronics. we're a theatrical family. we do things like practice double-take s. >> stephen: really, can i see your double-take? that's pretty good. i gotta say, that was pretty good. >> that was a good take. oh, that's excellent. >> stephen: thank you very much. a rare triple. that was a rare triple-take. as a dad-- you're a famous dad.
11:04 pm
teach your kids to drive and that kind of stuff? >> they are learning to drive right now. >> stephen: really? how old is your eldest? >> sofia is 16, she has her learner's permit. and george is driving anyway. >> stephen: how old is he? >> i don't want to talk about it. >> stephen: legally? without a lawyer present? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: are you teaching sofia to drive? >> i'm better at doing it than felicity. >> stephen: felicity is your wife, together you h.must haveman together. the best celebrity power couple name of all time. >> it's great, and we're going to the atlantic theater company tonight to see a play. and there is a urinal where our name on it. and it's the filluous h. muffman urinal. >> stephen: you've made it! >> i've made it big. >> stephen: if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. ( applause ) so are you, like, the slam your hand against the dashboard kind
11:05 pm
look up on the the windshield. look to the side. two things. one, you won't be constantly doing that. and you'll see things that you've never seen before. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and you won't know when the end comes. >> no, no. it's got airbags. what's the worst that could-- well, we don't want to talk about that. >> stephen: i've taught two kids. i was not very good with my daughter. i wasn't quite-- i didn't-- i was very-- i was very bad. i was very nervous, very hand on the dashboard. when my son, my second child, started driving, i just knot in i knew he'd taken the classes. and i would drive around and kind of peacefully go, "there are worse places to go. there are worse ways to die than here in the car with your son right now." it relaxed me. >> we were in colorado, when we put georgia behind the wheel. she was very young, and felicity was driving and she kept driving off the road and sitting in felicity's lap. finally, i said, "can you see?" and georgia said, "yeah.
11:06 pm
>> stephen: how old of a child was this? >> about 10. >> stephen: so now you drive a motorcycle, speaking of dangerous things on the road. >> yup. >> stephen: what kind of bike do you have? >> i have a triumph, and i have a harley, a harley for big trips and a little triumph for around town. >> stephen: have you done any good rides lately? >> a couple of years ago, i did the ang less crest. that's a beautiful drive. i went all the way out there-- and you know what happened, too. they have this sign that says, "last gas for 30 miles," or something like that, 40 miles. and i thought i have enough gas. >> stephen: in the desert. >> of course, ald i could think about is i'm going to run out of gas. should i turn around? should i keep going? i decided i was going to run out of gas in the country and i saw a weird car in front of me and it was a picture car and i realized they were shooting a commercial. and i followed the picture car, and we came upon a base camp, and they were shooting some car
11:07 pm
can before i could get off the bike, i felt like -- >> you said, "i'm william h. macy." >> i didn't have to. >> stephen: really? >> i didn't get recognized a lot. felicity, not so much. even in my helmet. you can see hoach of me and people go, "macy!" >> stephen: it's the eyebrows. >> there was a homeless woman one time, i saw her, and she was saying something terrible about her life, and she looked up, and even in my helmet she said, "love it's on dvr. i'm a little behind. >> stephen: that's an excellent segue. what's your character's name in "shameless?" >> frank gallagher. >> stephen: you say you like it that he's composite a lot of scars. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you have scars? why do you like his scars? >> i mean, they're kind of sexy. one woman shot him in this shoulder. and one woman shot him in this shoulder-- that's a long story. and he had a new liver, and someone stole his pancreas--
11:08 pm
and he did an insurance scam and broke his leg in six places with the help of his young son. >> stephen: do you have real scars yourself? >> i got one little tiny scar right there. that's where a raccoon bit me. >> stephen: a raccoon bit you? >> yeah. >> stephen: what were you doing to the raccoon? how did it-- how did it get close enough to bite you on the hand? >> my dad came home from work one day and i thought he was wearing a weird hat. this is when we lived in georgia. it turns out somebody owed him money and he t buick and raccoon and he brought mike home. and it was a cool pet, except when there was food around. >> stephen: your dad got given a car and raccoon as payment? >> yup. >> stephen: for what? what did your father coto-- >> he was doing construction. he was building she's spec houses and somebody owed him money and he thought i would like that raccoon. and i did. it was a great pet. slept under the bed.
11:09 pm
nest, and -- >> as a child. >> and mike saw it at the same time that our friend johnny mcfarland saw it and that was bad. johnny had to go to the hospital. the raccoon just tore him up. ( laughter ) and i was walking mike once a leash and he got in the garbage, and my parents said, "pull him out of the garbage," and i chocked up on the chain too much and i didn't see him bite me. that was the end of mike, by the way. >> stephen: there should be a series on your childhood. >> okay. laugh ug >> stephen: you could still play you. >> you're a pig wig -- >> you're a very big wig. you're william h. macy. people give you gas in the desert. >> i could play me and my father and my mother. >> stephen: we have a clip of frank about to get another scar, i think. >> get out! >> calm down! i have a few repairs to do on the house! now that fiona has dropped the ball, someone's got to pick it up, and that someone is me. wait! my clothes are in the wash!
11:10 pm
dressed or not, frank, one-- >> let's take a vote. everyone in favor of having an actual parent in the house. >> two! (bleep). >> you never say three! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> i love that show. again. >> nice to be here. >> stephen: "shameless" airs sundays on showtime. william h macy, everybody! we'll be right back with colin william h macy, everybody! we'll be right back with colin quinn. smiley face. congratulations. happy friday. happy tuesday. good luck on your testing. i love the little smiley faces and exclamation points. excellent. [laughter]
11:11 pm
ank you, you've literally made my day." top this off with some of this delicious whipped cream. ? i'm hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. but that doesn't stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. that'd be devastating. i took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about once-daily xarelto... a latest generation blood thinner. then i made the switch. ople with afib not caused by a heart valve problem. it has similar effectiveness to warfarin. warfarin interferes with vitamin k and at least six blood clotting factors. xarelto? is selective targeting one critical factor of your body's natural clotting function. for people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. like all blood thinners, don't stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor,
11:12 pm
and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. xarelto may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. xarelto can cause serious, and in rare cases fatal bleeding. get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising or tingling. if you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. before starting xarelto ding problems. to help protect yourself from a stroke, ask your doctor about xarelto. there's more to know.
11:13 pm
at perdue, we take some unexpected extra steps... raise healthy chickens with no antibiotics ever. like putting oregano in their water. it has natural antioxidants and we don't have to use antibiotics in their diet. perdue. over 200 products.
11:14 pm
at perdue, we take some unexpected extra steps... for example, thyme. it's part of our 100% veggie diet ...and helps support their immune system. perdue. over 200 products. no antibiotics ever. >> stephen: welcome back,
11:15 pm
my next guest is a writer and stand-up comedian whose off-broadway show "the new york story" is now available on netflix. please welcome colin quinn. ( cheers and applause ) good to see you. how you been? >> i'm fine. i had to come out early and be preseated. >> stephen: we have to set you like burt reynolds ahead of time. what did you do to your leg? >> i busted my achilles. i on the sandler movie. after the movie you want to shoot around, play basketball, and i started playing and i'm like i'm not that old. i'm back. my game is back. pop. and it was on the set where the movie was where the godfather's horse's head scene was. i'm at the mansion, this guy is a billionaire. i had a double lawsuit. if i wasn't a nice guy, i could have made some big money on that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow. it's never too late, man, it's never too late. >> it's too late to sue, believe
11:16 pm
>> stephen: listen, you're a very opinionated man. >> yes gr you're a new yorker? >> yes. >> stephen: what did you think of the victory of our new new york president? >> i mean, a lot of us-- everybody was shocked, obviously. >> stephen: he was shocked. >> yes. oh, yeah. >> stephen: i think that's why they didn't have anything in place for right now, because they were like, what? >> did you see him at the white house like a bad boy in school, sitting like. ( cheers and applause ) folks, believe me -- >> he's the dog that caught-- he's the dog that caught the truck. >> and i thought it was going to be gary johnson. we all did. >> stephen: obviously. laugh. >> when i was a kid they told me-- they may have told you, too-- what's great about america? anybody in this country can become president of the united states. they weren't lying. ( laughter ). >> stephen: right, yeah. even if you're just a poor billionaire's son, you, too. >> you, too. and i'm disappointed in the cabinet picks. i feel like a lot of people are getting shoved aside that were
11:17 pm
bayo, i'm talking about obviously. >> stephen: you have to be loyal. >> you have to be loyal. >> stephen: secretary of state bayo. >> he was in show business and supported trump. that's not a joke. that's serious. he's putting himself out there whether you like it or not. and then billy bush should get a position. you know what i mean? ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah. secretary of transportation. ( laughter ) he knows the inside of a bus. >> nice, nice! >> stephen: thank you very much. we'll be right anthony weiner. >> anthony weiner should get a position. ( laughter ) maybe julian assange might get something, i don't know. >> stephen: sure, yeah. >> but i feel like eye feel like-- let's face it. he got elected by the people that hated him the most. i think what some people were racist and sexist that voted for him, and some people didn't like being called racist and sexist. you know what i mean? i think there was a lot of that, it too. >> stephen: i understand ( applause ). >> see, thank you. it takes a while-- i'm like a
11:18 pm
you breathe for a while. >> yeah. >> stephen: so the new show is you do a stage show. you do a stage show on broadway that's now going to be available on netflix. >> it was offbroadway. i misrepresent myself. >> stephen: off broadway. >> you sound like you're going to kick me out. get out. >> stephen: does it matter? i'm sure it's very good. >> thanks. ( laughter ) you'll get there, man. you're on broadway right now. this is a you made it, baby. ( cheers and applause ) now, is there any chance, you know, people throw the word "racism" around very casually. you-- you talk about some cultural stereotypes in the show. any chance people might be offended by some of that stuff? >> i don't think so, because everything i talk about i lived it-- yeah, they will be. no, i mean, no. everything is, like, i go over the whole history of every ethic group. >> stephen: that came to new york. >> i call it cultural
11:19 pm
the dutch founded new york. how did they-- >> here's the beauty of the dutch for my show, because when i was doing the show i didn't find this out until i googled it. that's how i research, google. the word (bleep) is a dutch word. how perfect was that for the founding of new york city. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: they brought that here? >> they brought the word (bleep). >> stephen: wow. >> that's a dutch word. >> stephen: thank you, thank you so much. >> i do the whole thing, like the germans came and how they were you know how people in new york, other places, "excuse me? where is the museum? excuse me, where's the subway?" people in new york accuse you of the information. "where do you get the ice cream? where do you get the coffee?" and when you tell them, "over there." "is it good?" you have to give them a review. and it just goes from there. i can't do the whole show. i could -- >> then they won't pay for it. >> that's right.
11:20 pm
nothing. >> i like that expression. >> stephen: that's the way i do segues -- connected to nothing. i found out shortly before the show were you in "crocodile dundee 2?" >> yes, i was. >> stephen: i only ask-- i do not remember you from "crocodile dundee." >> i was a young upstart comedian, a little full of myself, as you'll know from this story. they gave me the script. i think i had one line in york. >> i read the script and go, "this is not new york." i rewrote the whole script, one line, just basically an extra, with me as the sidekick leading poll hogan around new york. i made myself the costar, and handed it in to them. ( laughter ) and i wasn't, like, 11. i was, like, 26 at the time. >> stephen: you don't have to-- look, you don't have to thank me. just, there you go. that was it, really? >> yes. and my name was kevin.
11:21 pm
kevin colin-- and i led him around and just handed it in. >> stephen: you ended up being in the movie. >> di. they didn't fire me as they should have. >> stephen: it might take a while but we're going to play every scene you're in, okay? jim. >> i'm in. i'm in. what are we doing? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> imagine the mental illness. >> stephen: oh, my the huevos on you. >> just the audacity. if somebody did, that i'd say, "get him out of here. he's a psycho." >> stephen: good for you. good for you. >> yeah, and charles dutton, who was the costar, probably would have beat me-- he was an exboxer, too, he probably would have beat me senseless. i was basically kicking his part out and me as the costar. >> stephen: did you ever fight? >> no. >> stephen: you seem like a street tough-- >> i got beatings but i thought you meant professional fighting.
11:22 pm
i know this wasn't planned. but if you guys can get this one. this is me and someone photoshopped-- this is my body, but they photoshopped the tattoo on me. that's what i call a man's man, ladies. >> stephen: can you get a shot of that? i want to point something out. you did not know i was going to ask you about fighting. >> no i didn't. >> stephen: we did not plan this in any way. and it took you exactly one button to get a photo of you. >> oh! >> stephen: don't get up. don't get up. that's on there all the time! that's literally-- you were staring at it before you walked on stage. >> it's my twitter page. it's my twitter -- >> you're in an overstuffed chair just stroking yourself gently looking at a photo of yourself before you came out here to take the pain away from your ankle. >> i swear to god, we didn't plan this. he's 100% right, folks. >> stephen: oh, my god. >> you have to have an ego to be in this business they say. >> stephen: exactly.
11:23 pm
>> stephen: if i follow you on twitter, that's the photo? >> it looks like i have no teeth in the phot but i do. >> stephen: people have said, "oh, trump ran the politically incorrect campaign and that's great." and people complain a lot about-- some comedians complain about political correctness on campus and stuff like that. do you have a problem with political correctness and have to pull your punches in some places when you're doing jokes? >> you can't. people nowadays, if they mention an ethnicity, campus or comedy. they do a preamble. "i'm going to say something right now. i want you understand this is not coming from a place of paternal itistic, patriarchal--" and then you can say whatever you want but you have to say that first. >> stephen: this is not coming from a place of hate, from a place of love. why did the chicken cross the road? >> yes, yes. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, to give the racist across the street a piece of his mind. that's why the chicken did that.
11:24 pm
exactly. >> stephen: well, colin, listen, man, ice that anklele. >> yes, i'm going to. >> stephen: and send me that photo. good to see you. >> thanks a lot, steve. >> stephen: "the new york story" is now streaming on netflix. colin quinn, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by drive-by truckers. ? ? ?
11:25 pm
the world is full of surprising moments. they're everywhere. and as a marriot rewards member, i can embrace them all. the new marriott portfolio of hotels now has so no matter where you go, you are here. join or link accounts at i am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. and i know a thing or two about trading. so i trade with e*trade, where true traders trade on a trademarked trade platform that has all the... get off the computer traitor! i won't. (cannon sound) mobility is very important to me. that's why i use e*trade mobile. it's on all my mobile devices, so it suits my mobile lifestyle
11:26 pm
even when i'm on the move. sign up at and get up to six hundred dollars. this weekend at kohl's it's time to get ready for the holidays so deck the halls dress to impress for the school concert then hurry home to cozy up for a family movie night. at kohl's, friends and family save a little more with an extra 20% off so you can give a little more this holiday.
11:27 pm
11:28 pm
( band playing ) for this again?ing hundred k. win or lose. total cake walk. ooh oooooooh! her last opponent is still in a coma. what? i should go walk my cats. no. no no no. amy, get in there and fight for your life. isn't there an easier way to make a hundred k? sure. old navy's giving away a hundred k plus right now it's 40% off your entire purchase. 40% off!?! you keep in touch with me, girl. i'm going to old navy. ahh! it's 40% off your entire purchase right now. only at old navy! ? mapping the oceans. where we explore. protecting biodiversity. everywhere we work. defeating malaria. improving energy efficiency. developing more clean burning natural gas. my job? my job at exxonmobil? turning algae into biofuels. reducing energy poverty
11:29 pm
ing the global economy. and you thought we just made the gas. ? energy lives here. ? hey come quick... the people will love it. originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since. stella artois. host one to remember lips appear to age faster than other skin.
11:30 pm
age-defying formula is clinically proven to provide healthier, more youthful looking lips.
11:31 pm
>> stephen: here performing "surrender under protest" from their album, "american band," please welcome drive-by truckers! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ? from the comfort zone of history ? on the lips of trusted loved ones ? to the lonely, fragile minds of angry youths ? no sooner was it over than the memory made it nobler ? the selective means by which
11:32 pm
? compelled but not defeated ? surrender under protest if you must ? compelled but not defeated ? ? ? ? ? ? ? if it's all you can remember then it's been that way forever ? and for six long generations it's been told ? but among the fallen was tradition
11:33 pm
sin was not the goal ? compelled but not defeated ? surrender under protest if you must ? compelled but not defeated ? ? ? ? ? ? ? does the color really matter on the face you blame for failure ? on the shaded foreign battles wounds and calls ? if the victims and aggressors just remain each others' others ? and the instigators never
11:34 pm
? compelled but not defeated ? surrender under protest if you must ? compelled but not defeated ? surrender under protest if you must ? surrender under protest if you must
11:35 pm
11:36 pm
,, ,, >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in next week when we have michael weatherly, carrie fisher and danny devito. james corden is next. have a great weekend! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh
11:37 pm
? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where your friends come from it'll be just fine ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from hudson, new york state, give it up for your


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on